The first time I was called Dr. Alexander occurred on May 7, 2020. For many, this is the greatest accomplishment of the doctoral journey. For me? It didn’t even register. The fact I had to look up my defense date is a prime example of the imposter syndrome I felt throughout my entire educational journey. In a nutshell, imposter syndrome is feeling like your success is due to luck and not because of what you have actually done to achieve success. It’s crazy that a guy whose wife calls him arrogant and often has to tell him not to show his confidence so brazenly struggled with confidence in his ability to succeed in the classroom. 

See, I never believed myself to be smart, and I had countless examples proving it. I’m a guy whose first semester in college resulted in a 1.29 grade point average (GPA). My only B was in a University 101 course. Everybody got an A in that class just for showing up. I couldn’t even do that right. I did just enough not to get out of school and eventually graduated with a 2.5 GPA. While I worked my ass off to pull up my GPA after 3 years of being on academic probation, I didn’t give myself credit. Graduating from college should have been my validation, it only made me feel more fraudulent. 

Grad school was no better, I only got in on the strength of my recommendation letters just to get tossed out of the program a year later after failing to maintain a 3.0. Nevermind the fact I battled depression for most of that year. Radford, VA, was rough for this kid from Los Angeles. I never felt like I belonged in a graduate program. My friends and peers graduated from college Magma and Summa Cum Laude, so to me, them going to grad school made sense; they earned it. I graduated Thank You Laude and only applied to grad school because I knew I had a connect and no job after graduation. Grad school was a nightmare that only added to my imposter syndrome. Nothing says you’re fraudulent, like getting the boot from a graduate program. I was embarrassed forced to go back home a failure. I was a phony who was now back living at his moms’ crib unemployed. I left home for 6 years (5 undergraduate, 1 graduate) to be in the same predicament, so many back home were in, the only difference I had student loans.

I eventually enrolled in an accelerated online masters program that had me take one class every six weeks. For someone who loses attention quickly and hates being stuck in a class with people debating and talking in circles for hours, this program was perfect. I jumped right in, and 18 months later, I was done. I didn’t finish because I smart. I finished because I had no choice. I couldn’t let those who put their faith in me down. Also, my wife (girlfriend at the time) would’ve left me; she not about that “I’m about to take care of grown-ass man” life.

Imposter syndrome was the reason it took me so long to pursue my doctorate. My experiences with failure as an undergrad and graduate student had me shook, and I wasn’t ready to face failure again. Every enrollment cycle was the same, I would do research, start an application, and just stop. I waited so long my GRE scores expired, which brought on a whole new level of anxiety. My first attempt at the GRE was an embarrassment. The second time around was no better. One, my math was rusty. Two, I still didn’t care about dumb ass words people don’t use in real life. Lastly, I knew I was a poor writer, and that proved true when I failed to score a 4 on the writing portion of the GRE. You’ve read about 700 words so far, you see what my real writing style is. Despite failing to get a writing score of 4, I was invited to interview for the program and eventually was accepted on a probationary status. Talk about how lucky a fraud I am, “Hey, dude, we’ll let you in, but just so know. You have to prove you can write by the end of your first year, or you’ll be kicked out of another program, enjoy.” 

Entering that first summer of residency, I exuded confidence on the outside, but on the inside, I was shook. I was scared that during residency, my deficiencies as a doctoral student would manifest itself. Would I have to write something and share it with the class? I’ve already been told I can’t write and really shouldn’t be here. The feelings of being an imposter followed me throughout my whole journey. No matter what grade I received in a class, on a paper, it all felt fraudulent, and I knew eventually, my luck will run out. I was positive the qualifying exam would be that moment, but somehow, I passed. When I got the qualifying exam results, I was sure they made a mistake or just wanted to ensure that my cohort graduated. I got lucky again. Now, how am I going to fake my way through this dissertation? 

Much of the dissertation phase went reasonably well. I wrote my first three chapters and passed my proposal defense two months later than I had initially planned, but I was on my way. Sure, revisions were expected. No one goes through a dissertation without revisions. What didn’t I expect? To hear, I failed to answer my research question after submitting my final chapters. Here we go. The moment was finally here; my luck had finally run out. How will I fake my way out of this one? While my cohort began defending or passing their defense. Sharing celebratory photos on social media, I was on the verge of failing again. It’s hard to explain what I was feeling during this three week period that felt like years. My stomach was consistently in knots. I lost my grandfather to COVID, and work was more stressful than ever. It was more than I thought I could bear, and I felt like I was going to have to start my dissertation all over again. Luckily, I had a very supportive dissertation chair who fought for me. He worked with me for hours to make my answer to the research question clearer. We worked on definitions, presented findings in a more precise manner, which ultimately got me through the finish line and on to my defense. 

Once I got to the defense, my chair convinced the committee, my work was solid enough to pass, and it was on me not to fuck up. One thing about being an imposter with a Communication degree. You have the gift of gab and can present your ass off. That’s what I did, I presented my findings that proved I was an expert on my topic. My defense was the first time I felt like I belong. I had something to prove to myself. That the kid from South Central/Compton, CA, did what many believe to be impossible.

Now, I wish my confidence in the defense kept me strong all the way to the finish line. But after submitting my final draft, getting all the necessary approvals, and even having my degree conferred on my transcript. I still was scared. I couldn’t even make the announcement I graduated until I received my diploma. Every day after finishing my program, I waited for someone to take my doctorate away. 

This post is way longer than I wanted it to be, well over 1,300 words, but I wanted to share just a snippet of what I felt throughout my journey. In hopes that someone who is feeling fraudulent at this very moment knows they are not alone, and they belong. Yes, luck plays a part in success. But like the philosopher, Seneca said, “luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”