I originally wrote this post after the murder of George Floyd and opted not to post. With the news and video release of the Jacob Blake being gunned down in the back. I could no longer let my thoughts sit in the draft folder.

I still remember the last video I ever watched of an unarmed black man being murdered. It was July 2016, I still hear the female driver’s voice; I still see the little girl in the backseat of the car. The video of Philando Castile dying helplessly in his girlfriend’s car after being shot multiple times for simply following directions was my last straw. For my sanity and my mental health, I made the decision to avoid watching the assassinations of people that look like me. The tweets, the systemic racist rhetoric that surrounds the victims of these assassinations, is just too much for me. Hell, I refuse to watch videos of white people calling the cops on black people for merely existing and sharing the same air space. Every month, I’m reminded that no matter my degrees, job title, zip code, and circle of friends, I will always be a threat to white people.

It’s crazy that being black is one of the most dangerous jobs in America. This isn’t hyperbole, either. Black people have been harassed and even worse murdered for merely existing. Just this month alone (originally wrote May 28, 2020) , black people have been murdered for jogging, murdered while sleeping in their home, murdered handcuffed for alleged forgery. How about the harassment for just being black? This week, black people have had the cops called on them for abiding by park rules and regulations, going to the gym, and probably some more regular shit that hasn’t been caught on camera.

With every trending topic or hashtag, it’s a reminder that the only thing that scares white people are black people. I’ve seen white people tight rope thousands of feet in the air with no safety apparatus, wrestle alligators, or storm a government building with assault rifles. Yet, it is these same white people that will call the cops on a black person for getting a drink at Starbucks. It’s impossible to express the anxiety I have at times for just being a black man in a white county. I can’t comfortably walk through my neighborhood with my daughter. While most people on my block have been pleasant, it only takes one phone call for my life not only to be threatened but ended, simply because I am black. This is why I stopped watching videos of black people being punished for merely existing because nothing separates them from being me. It’s heartbreaking, it’s maddening, it’s scary. To preserve my sanity, not watching these videos is a choice I had to make. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s the complete opposite. These videos, these stories take a toll on me mentally, and it takes me away from my family. The frequency of these incidents is emotionally and physically draining. Every week I am reminded how little my life means to white people.

No matter how much white people love our music, love our culture, they fear us, they hate us. It’s this fear and hate that got Trump elected. White people are willing to sacrifice their own self-interest if it means black people will get less. While most people in government assistance programs are white, they celebrate cuts to these programs because it means less for black people and other cultures of color. My blackness has been weaponized, and each video is a reminder of that.

So no, I didn’t see the video.