“Life is what you make it, I hope you make a movement / Hope your opportunity survives the opportunist / Hopin’ as you walk across the sand, you see my shoe print / And you follow ’til it change your life, it’s all an evolution / And I hope you find your passion ’cause I found mine in this music / But I hope it’s not material ’cause that’s all an illusion / And they all in collusion / This racist institution, double standard / Actin’ like they not the reason we ruthless” -Nipsey Hussle (Bigger Than Life)

It’s been 11 days and I still I haven’t been able to shake what happened to Nipsey Hussle, and for a while, it was hard to explain why. It’s not like I was the biggest Nipsey fan. Sure, I enjoyed his music, and like many others, I thought Victory Lap was the best rap album last year. I followed his movement, I respected what he was doing. So I couldn’t understand why Nip’s passing affected me so much. I had to take some time to reflect, and this is what I came up with.

“It was visionary, either I’m genius or you ni**as scary/Maybe it’s both and this balance I deliver daily/For every ni**a in the streets tryna feed the babies/The single mama’s workin’ hard not to miss a payment/And dirty money get washed on royalty statements/Black owners in this game of powerful racists/Young ni**as in the set that’s doin’ it makeshift/Out the garage is how you end up in charge/It’s how you end up in penthouses, end up in cars/It’s how you start off a curb server, end up a boss/it’s how you win the whole thing and lift up a cigar/With sweat drippin’ down your face ’cause the mission was hard…” – Nipsey Hussle (Last Time I Checc)

I was jealous of Nipsey. Let me be clear, I was not jealous of his money, his fame or his career. I was jealous because he wasn’t afraid. I was jealous of the way he lived. Nipsey didn’t run like so many that make it do. He didn’t run like I did and still do. People ask me almost every day will I ever move back to LA and the answer is always no. To be honest, home scares at times, and that’s really fucked up to say. But look at Nip, he did everything we ask of our own. Buy black, support black businesses, uplift our community, hell just be there for us. Nipsey did all that, and more, yet the city still took him away. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again in my 32 years on this earth. These streets don’t care, these dudes don’t care, and they will take everything you worked for and destroy it in a matter of seconds.

Nipsey’s death was like holding a mirror up to my face. I tell myself because my job is to promote higher education, I visit schools, talk to students of color and encourage them to obtain an education to change the trajectory of their lives, I’m doing my part. But I do that 200 miles away, I don’t visit schools in LA talking about college and the transformative power of a college campus. Sure, I’m in the early stages of my dissertation that focuses on gang culture and the impact that has on college-going behavior. But that does nothing to help my community. I don’t buy black, granted my county doesn’t have black businesses but hell there are online options. I don’t visit old hoods I grew up in, visit childhood friends or even family in those areas. I make a multitude of excuses and Nipsey didn’t. Nipsey put his flag down is neighborhood and died giving back to his neighborhood. And if you listen to Nipsey’s music you know he wouldn’t want it any other way. Nipsey represented the best of LA, and his passing is the worse. Nipsey didn’t just talk the talk, and he walked it.

“My dough inflated and I’m more creative/Signed a couple big deals, but it’s no paradin’/See it’s a couple ni**as every generation/That wasn’t supposed to make it out but decode the Matrix/And when they get to speak, it’s like a coded language/Reminds ni**as of they strength and all the stolen greatness/We used to shoot at ni**as at the Mobile station/Full circle, mogul motivation/My self-educated, suit, negotiations/Got these sharks that I’m sittin’ at this table with afraid to bait me/No tint on my Mercedes, that’s for inspiration.” Nipsey Hussle (Loaded Bases)

Nipsey’s death brought disappointment. I was disappointed in my community, I was disappointed in myself. My community is infected, it has an incurable disease, and it hurts to watch my community continue to kill itself. In the last twelve months, 614 people have been murdered in LA County. My whole life I’ve lost family and friends to streets we don’t own and wars we will never win. Our communities have been conditioned to have this crabs in the barrel mentality. Instead of lifting each other up, we find ways to tear each other down and ultimately kill dreams and take lives. Today’s cancel culture is the perfect example of this conditioning. We don’t let our own make mistakes and grow. We cancel them whether that be not supporting or killing them. Nipsey understood this mentality and dedicated his second life to dismantling it.

“What happened to the code, streets all in shambles/N****s powderin’ they nose, ashamed of what we stand for/They think we on some kill another n**** shit/We really on some stay down and diligent/The streets is cold, turn innocence to militance/Young n*****s gangbangin’ for the thrill of it” – Nipsey Hussle (Blue Laces)

Nipsey death left me wondering how do we progress as a people? Will we ever recognize the power we have and use that free us of this disease. Immediately after it was pronounced Nipsey was murdered instead of dissecting what’s poisoning our communities, I saw people cook up outrageous conspiracy theories and reasons why Nipsey was murdered. It was easier for black people, to imagine the government sending in hood agents to kill Nipsey than it was to admit we have a real problem in our community and we need to address it. Instead of organizing, we pointed fingers. Yes, LA Gangs are united right now, but I’ve seen that before. Where do we go from here, how do we take this momentum and heal our communities. How can we use Nipsey’s death for more than a lightning rod for the moment?

“I heard them say gang violence was a problem / And they think that more prisons is a step to resolve it / But most prisons mean the checks keep revolving / And it don’t take a rocket scientist to see the conflict / You can’t cover up the pain with fake progress / It’s time they pay back a portion of the profit” Nipsey Hussle (Payback)

How do I move on? How do I affect change? This is what I’m left with. I don’t want to make emotional statements and claims. I have to be honest with myself, what capacity am I able and willing to help my city. I don’t have the answer for that, and that might genuinely be the reason Nipsey’s death has been hard for me to shake. As I brain dump in this blog, I still have things I’m working through and trying to explain. But how can you explain lives being taken away for absolutely no reason at all? With Nipsey we lost more than a rapper, we lost a symbol of hope. Nipsey showed us what happens when you are allowed to learn and grow, but will my city ever allow the future to grow?