Initially, I thought I would write up some tips for people in their 30s about the etiquette of going out, but then realized I am a different individual with thoughts that are usually not in the norm. Well, I’ve been told it’s not the norm, but it makes perfect sense to me. Anyways, here are five things you should know if you are planning to go out with someone like me, a young married man in his early 30s.

1. I need at least 48 hours notice of any plans to go out for the night. Those days of texting me a couple of hours before heading out are officially over. Majority of my plans now consist of doing absolutely nothing after work, maybe a little homework now and again. I have to prepare to be out later than 10 mentally because that’s bedtime, hell sometimes 9:00 PM is bedtime. A nap is usually part of this mental preparation. If you text me at 8:00 PM talking about you heading out to the bar or club odds are you will get a no. I might surprise you and be down to roll out; it just might be one of those days, but it’s definitely not the norm.
2. I don’t split bills with large parties. Nothing aggravates me more than going out with 6+ people and watching everyone try to figure out what they ordered on the bill to give that exact amount, completely ignoring tax and gratuity that was added in the process. I’m not playing this game; we are evenly splitting the bill put your money or card in and move on. Don’t be the person complaining that they only ordered a $5 appetizer and everybody else got drinks and a meal. Maybe you should’ve stayed home if you didn’t have the money to enjoy the night out. The only exception I will make is the person who only ordered water, but also for this person, stay home if you are going just to drink water and complain about not having money.
3. I am not paying for your birthday dinner if you invited me. Nothing irks me more than a person who throws their birthday celebration at Nobu and expects me to pick up their bill. This is your party; I wouldn’t even be here if you didn’t text me. Don’t try to scam a free meal out of your “friends.” If I cared that much I would’ve planned this outing for you and happily took care of the bill. Since I am just tagging along to something you invited me to, I’m not paying for you.
4. Don’t invite me to your birthday party if I have to pay to play. This goes right in line with not paying for your meal if you invite me to your birthday dinner. Don’t hit me up talking about you want to go to Disneyland for your birthday and then expect me to drop $300 so my wife and I can join you. We can enjoy the park by ourselves and not be tied down to your schedule. I don’t care about paying for stuff once I’m there, but I’m not paying to get there. Once again same rules apply if we are “friends” these details will be hashed well in advanced and I am probably involved in the planning process. Then I am not opposed to paying to play because it’s a mutually agreed upon event. But if you text me thinking I’m paying $20 to get in a club to chill with you when I don’t even like clubs, you are sadly mistaken.
5. I’m not a rapper, so I am not paying $300 for a table and one bottle of Ciroc for eight people. I do prefer lounges, and I do prefer having a table to sit at because standing up all night in a club or bar is no longer ideal. So a place to sit and relax is a must for me. But if this table includes bottle service you have picked the wrong place and odds are I will not show up. Why are we paying $250 for a bottle of Grey Goose when we can just chill at my crib, throw on Pandora and kill off a couple of bottles of Grey Goose for $100.

I can get lost in this so I will stop here at five tips. This list could easily be stretched to ten, but reader fatigue is real in this 140 characters or less generation. Trust me, I know my list comes off as bourgeois and honestly, I could care less. I don’t like wasting time or debating idiotic things when I’m out that detracts from having a good time. These five things have all turned a night or day out sour, and I am trying to help you avoid this pitfall when your planning stuff to do with your “friends.” Hopefully, you take at least one takeaway from this blog post and save a friendship.